So I hadn’t done Laura’s PhotoPoetry for a while but since she’s in LA at Nationals and I am not (sigh) I posted this week’s PhotoPoetry picture. And since I posted the picture I felt like I needed to do a 15 Words or less poem myself. What follows is the rambling brainstorm I went through. I post it to prove that first drafts and brainstorms are sloppy, ugly and uncontrollable until we revise.
This was the picture:
And this was the brainstorm:
I’m laughing and you’re not
laughing on the inside
inside isn’t always best
inside holding tight
you can’t see me
laughing
inside out
wishing
I was outside in
outside in the laughter
waiting to go in
to the silence and write
laughing inside out
makes my stomach hurt
but not
in a good way
good
it’s hard to be good
too hard sometimes
for me
me and my shadow
hide
in plain sight
waiting to disappear
if I could disappear
I might
but only after
dinner
and after chocolate
but before my bath
bathtime makes me
want to run
makes me
chase the dog
and follow the cat up a tree
until I fall
I fall
but no one sees me
still I cry
just a little
just a little bit more time
is all I need
to figure out this
math
and how many fingers it takes
to divide by seven
so everyone
can have a piece of pie
I have
too many words
jumbled up inside
with nowhere to go
tied up in knots of
fear
filled with
lack
not luck
but in spite
or despite
out just plain
out of spite
I share
I care
I pare the words
from giant storms
to tiny
raindrops of
emotion
filling pages
with cliches
that never show
how
how all alone
how all alone looks
when you are outside
looking in
And here is the final version:
laughing at
you
I hide from
me
wishing
I was
you
–Susan Taylor Brown
Wow. that is amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever edited that much.though poems have been totally changed, reversed and revised, combined and shortened.
My poem was inspired by a line in HP, which started “His cry was answered….” That stuck with me when I realized that this was just the opposite of that line.
Yeah, it was a little weird the road it took which is why I posted it. As I am trying to get back to writing again I imagine there will be a lot of things like this.
Well, actually, that’s pretty much the way I write.
Oh my gosh, Susan. Wonderful how you let this poem go along and shape itself! Wonderful. It’s like watching (or should I say hearing) you breath words onto the page, trusting where it takes you. Nice, nice, work. Have to head over to Wordygirls so I can watch what you do to with this.
I like the sounds of this PhotoPoetry Day…!
Thanks so much! I hope you’ll decide to play along with photo poetry next week.
Most definitely will it out, and join in!
NICE! I felt like I was a ride or a slide…faster and faster thru the thoughts and feelings….NICE ride!
Thanks, slatts!