Boy, I have never been as glad to see the end of a week as I am today. And I am going to ramble and should probably go look up how to do a “cut away” but Fridays are slow on LJ and I don’t have the energy. I figured out what some of my work problem was…not really math because, when I look at the big picture I don’t DO a lot of math. Oh, I look at a lot of numbers, but it isn’t really the same thing. My boss, bless his heart, actually pulled me aside yesterday to ask if I was okay and I, shock of shocks, actually said no. Some of it can be fixed at work, some of it is internal work I have to do (and I’m not even sure if I want to do) and some of it can’t be fixed so much just be accepted. What can be fixed will just take time. Even though our company was bought out by this other company a couple of years ago we are still in merging pains mode. Our division has continued to operate mostly on its own until a few months ago when we moved to their finance programs. Enter huge problem number one. From Mapics to SAP has not been an easy conversion and no one knows enough of the various facets of the new program enough to be able to help with the mapping. We have consultants all over the place but this will be a painful process that will likely go on for the next year or so. Problem number two, being female in a male dominated environment. Hey, that’s just the way it is and because the dayjob isn’t a career driving one for me, whatever. Some things can’t be changed and if a bunch of men need to gather every so often and do the “beat their chest” thing. Let ’em. Only I’m not going to help anymore.

But the big thing that I think I figured out when chatting with my boss yesterday is that I feel so in conflict with who I really am (every moment away from the day job) with who I have to be when I am here at work. Away from work I am a moderately successful author of children’s books, respected by my peers. My opinion is valued, sometimes even sought after. I can share my hard-earned knowledge with other writers and help them and they are grateful and we are both enriched by the experience. Away from work I am an artist and a small business owner. I create the product. I hire someone (my agent) to sell my product. I sell to multiple vendors (my publishers) who in turn express joy in having me as part of their team. I create my own publicity. I answer my own email. I do my own budget and pay my own taxes.

At work I know they love what I do but it doesn’t “feel” the same. I do not feel valued in the same ways, or even corresponding ways. And there is no way to reconcile the two sides of my life. Recognizing the problem doesn’t change anything but it sort of helps.

I did have some insight toward a current WIP. It always amazes me how I ever get a book written, or rather started. When it is still in that wobbly skeleton phase without enough structure to hang anything on, I am never quite sure what come out of it, if anything.

And it is Friday and tonight is the first night of Shakespeare Santa Cruz for us. They are doing four plays this summer season, two from Shakespeare and two others. Tonight is ENGAGED by W.S. Gilbert (of Gilbert and Sullivan but minus Sullivan.) Friday night, summertime, Santa Cruz? My description of a perfect night.