Today I was remembering a rubber band experiment about resistance. The idea behind it was that if two people are both pulling on a rubber band and neither one gives in, the rubber band is going to break and someone is going to get hurt. But if you move toward the resistance, give into it, the resistance goes away.
A friend asked me if perhaps the reason I was fighting so much with myself was that I was due for a change….that perhaps my writing would take place alongside (instead?) of something else. I had no answer for her question but it did give me something juicy to think about. What if I gave in to my resistance? What would happen then?
Poem a Day #12
I can’t help but wonder
if maybe this path I’m on,
this path I’ve walked for so many years,
is not the path I’m meant to walk forever
It’s not like I know where to turn
or what else to do
or even if I want to but still
I can’t help but wonder
what would I become
and would I even recognize myself
walking toward me on another path?
© 2011 Susan Taylor Brown. All rights reserved.
I’ve been feeling the same way. I think if the alternative path was clearer or more obvious, there’d be less internal struggle. Hard to determine if the resistance to writing is rooted in the need to change course or a manifestation of fear — fear of failure, of disappointing others, etc.
I know, Jama. Why can’t there be a signpost that says, “This way. Now.” I keep thinking if I could just figure out where the resistance is and what it was made of, that I might be better able to cope but then I might just be fooling myself some more.
I just read a good book called IGNORE EVERYBODY. Nothing new in the way of advice but good reminders to just do our work. I know that’s what I need to do but so many conflicting voices in my head. And really, I know the world won’t stop spinning or even slow down, if I never write another book or poem or anything. So I have to pay attention to how I would feel if I never wrote again and I think I would feel pretty empty.
I think.