It was not a coincidence that today’s memory challenge was about animals. I have been trying to get up the courage to write this post. I still don’t think I have the courage but I need to write it now.
Monday, my 50th birthday, was not spent with cake and ice cream. There was no quiet dinner out at a favorite restaurant. Instead I came home from work early to spend a few last hours with my best four-legged friend Chelsie. Her time had come. And as always is the case, it is too soon for those of us left behind.
Was it only May that I wrote this post about her? I knew then that my time with her was coming to an end. Later in May I posted the sunflower episode. After that she slowed down even more, rarely wanting to move from one of her two favorite spots in the library, one of two corners, each with the safety of a chair for her to hide behind. She was less interested in saying hello in the morning or when I came home from work. She would skip meals for several days. After that it came fast.
Monday afternoon I sat with her for the last time.
I spoke softly and recalled every step of the journey we had taken together over the last 14 years. She came into my life at my absolutely lowest point, when I was living in New Orleans. She would jump up like a kangaroo to greet me each day. As I spoke, I reminded her of the great escape I gave her from the pound. It was a horrible place, filthy and she was covered with so many bugs. She was skin and bones but even then, not interested in food. I talked of the agility classes we had taken together and how much she used to love the tunnel and the poles. I laughed again at how she never met a puddle she didn’t want to roll in and how, in her younger years, she believed children and ducks at the park were meant for herding. She and my big orange cat Benjamin were the best of friends. I don’t know if she thought she was a cat or if she thought the cat was a dog but the two of them did everything together, including getting into cabinets for their favorite treat, bread. She wasn’t food motivated but she did love the scraps of plain tortillas and a spoonful of vanilla ice cream.
In New Orleans life was rough and many a day I didn’t want to get out of bed, not even to go to work. But I got out of bed for her. And while I lived in a very scary place and she really wasn’t that big of a dog, I felt a little safer with her by my side.
On the trip moving from New Orleans back home to California Chelsie was supposed to ride shot-gun but instead she scooted over as close as she could get, her nose always under the steering wheel. And when I got pulled over for speeding I think it was her goofy clown face that saved me from getting that much-deserved ticket.
She was terrified of most men but once we were in California and she met me soon-to-be husband, she didn’t hesitate to give him all the love she had reserved for me. She was content to sleep on the floor on the side of the bed until someone got up in the middle of the night and then she would quickly jump up and claim as much of it as she could. She and Benjamin would sit on the chest in front of the window to watch for me to come home. When she injured her back and had major surgery I had to move the chest and not let her jump anymore. I think she began to die a little bit back then, so much did that girl love to jump.
When Benjamin died she mourned him for months and some of the light went out of her eyes. She would lay in the garage staring at the last place she saw him and my heart hurt for her hurting, missing her buddy.
Monday I knew it was time. I told her to go find Benjamin. That it was okay to leave me now.
A wonderful vet, Dr. Apple, came to our home so we didn’t have to subject her to the vet’s office. (In recent years she had become so fearful of the vet that she had to be sedated for basic exams.) I worried that she would give me a look of betrayal at the end but instead I saw her finally relax and look more peaceful than I have seen in longer than I want to remember.
This morning when I came downstairs there was no black and white clown face to greet me. When the doorbell rang there was no answering bark to make sure I heard it. My husband went out to get the paper alone. The house is emptier than I could have imagined it would be.
Chelsie was not my first dog nor will she be my last. But she was the dog I needed most for one of the toughest struggles in my life. I was so proud to call her friend.
Goodbye, my friend. Run wild. Run free.
Awww :(((
My heart breaks for you and your husband and your dog.
All our love and thoughts tonight, to you and Chelsie, who is at the Rainbow Bridge
((((((((((((YOU)))))))from Meg
and licks and leans from Tucker and Shelby
Thank you Meg and Tucker and Shelby. I know you know all too well how much this hurts and how I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I am so sorry.
Thank you, Lisa.
Hugs, Susan. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.
Thanks, Cindy. I know you know how much this sort of thing hurts, but man, what love they give us while they are here.
What a beautiful tribute to your friend, your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Angela
“We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan….
“The Once Again Prince,” Separate Lifetimes, by Irving Townsend “
Thank you, Angela. I love the quote you shared. It is just perfect for how I feel right now.
For You and for Chelsie
and for all of your friends here, who hurt when you hurt
I’m crying, damn it
I’m sorry Chelsie had to go but the times of your life together sound like bliss
and in the end, that’s what matters most {}
Re: For You and for Chelsie
Thank you Pamela. You would have loved my girl and she would have loved you too!
It’s never easy to say goodbye to a beloved pet who has meant so much, but it sounds like you gave Chelsie a much-deserved peaceful ending of her life. I wish you happy memories and healing, Susan.
Thanks, Mary. No, it is never easy to say goodbye to our pets. Thankfully they give so much love that it is easy to open our hearts to new ones to help fill the void.
That was sad and beautiful. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Linda.
(((hugs)))
Thanks.
Oh Susan. I am so sorry. She was such a special friend.
My thoughts are with you.
xo
She was. She really was. Thank you.
Susan – My heart breaks for you. I know how the love of a dog fills your life. You and Chelsie were so lucky to have found one another. I know her absence here on earth leaves an aching emptiness – but that full and overflowing spot in your heart is there always.
I send a heartfelt hug to you and a smile heaven-ward for Chelsie.
Thank you Barbara. I know you know how much richer our lives are with our four-legged friends. I was very lucky to have found her when I needed her most. And lucky to have her as long as I did.
My heart goes out to you. But I’m sure of one thing now–there must be puddles in heaven and lots of fields to play in.
I love that image of her finding puddles again. Thank you.
I’m so sorry, Susan. Losing a pet is just as hard as losing any family member. Your tribute to Chelsie was lovely.
Thank you, Stacy. And yes, it is just as hard.
Oh, sweetie, you had already told me but this made me well up again. I knew you’d had some rough times, but I didn’t know Chelsie was the one who got you through them.
Our cat I told you about got my husband through dialysis so it was similar and so, so hard.
I’m sorry.
Yes, she was a tough-time buddy and her passing leaves a big hole in my heart. We are already looking for more forever friends but part of my heart will always belong to Chelsie.
I’m so glad your husband had your cat when he needed it most.
A very beautiful tribute to a very dear friend. She was a wonderful dog. You were lucky to have her and she was lucky to have you. I am so so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. She was a dear friend and I hope everyone gets the chance to have that kind of an animal friend at least once in their life. I know my life is richer because of the time spent with her.
No one but a fellow pet owner can understand the emotional connection you make with your pets.
Hope the pain goes away and only pleasant memories linger!
You are right – pet lovers know of which I speak.
It hurts. It always hurts to say goodbye. But I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
::HUGS::
I’m so sorry.
Thank you. Hugs greatly appreciated.
Such a beautiful and sad post. On your birthday, you remembered the gifts each of you had given the other. So very sorry for your loss, Susan.
Thank you. Yes, that is what it was, a remembrance of gifts exchanged.
How terribly sad. Hugs from me, Susan.
Thanks Amy. Sometimes it is really hard to do the right thing. Sigh. But I am glad to have had her as long as I did.
This must have been hard to write. It was hard to read. But beautiful. Clearly there will never be another dog like Chelsie. But I’m glad you can feel your heart is open to other dogs. Glad you could be with her at the end and sense her peace. Glad you could let us know, and of course I’m sorry, too.
It was hard and thank you for acknowledging that. She was one of a kind but we are already missing the sound of a dog and are looking for another forever friend or two to come live with us.
Thank you for reading and listening and being.
so sorry.
Thank you.
Oh, Susan.
I know. Sigh.
Susan, I’m so sorry you had to say goodbye to Chelsie — and on your birthday! It is so hard that their lives are so much shorter than ours. But it’s wonderful that you were able to have a mobile vet so she was able to die peacefully at home with her beloveds. HUGGSSS to you and hubby!
Thank you for the hugs. I am glad, too, that we were able to say goodbye at home and give her that last gift.
My sympathies to you, Susan. I know what it’s like to have a beloved pet pass away. You do have some wonderful memories of her.
Thanks, Barbara. I am treasuring the memories and looking forward to making new ones with a new friend.
Hoo boy, I’m so sorry, Susan. What a rough time this is for you. And how brave you were, to release Chelsea from her earth-bound pain. I imagine she’s shepherding little children in Heaven — and jumping for joy as she frolics with Benjamin again.
.
Thank you, Melodye. Loving is so hard sometimes.
What a sweet, special dog. *hugs*
Yes, she was. Thank you.
I am so sorry. You did the right thing but it still hurts, I know. Blessings on you.
Chelsie is out of pain, now.
Thannk you. It helps to share her story with friends.
I’m so sorry. 🙁
What a beautiful dog. I’m glad you have the memories.
x0x0x
Thank you.
You just made me cry. Chelsie was so lucky to have you and you were lucky to have her. Remember the good times – there were many, and know that you gave her a lovely gift of a fabulous life and at the end, peace. xoxo
Sorry for making you cry. Sorrier still that you never got to meet my special girl.
My thought are with you…
…in easily the most difficult time of any pet owner’s life.
Re: My thought are with you…
Man oh man, Slatts, ain’t that the truth.
And yet, as I recall the last few years of her life, I know it was time to let her go and we are already looking for another forever friend or two to come fill our lives.
I am so, so sorry.
I am so very, very sorry to hear that. She sounds like an amazing dog and she looks absolutely adorable. Many hugs from both Lucy and me.
Thank you. She was just what I needed just when I needed it most.
How very sad, Susan. I am so sorry to hear this.
{{{Hugs}}}
Thank you.
Hi Susan, Very sorry to hear about Chelsie. I believe I have gotten to Chelsie through your profile pic on Facebook. She really looks like quite a little sweetheart. 🙂 Thinking of you….. 🙂 Crazy Canuck 🙂
Thank you so much.
Susan, I’m so moved by this post. It’s a beautiful tribute to Chelsie! (wiping tears!!)
Letting go of a pet is one of the hardest things to do. The right thing to do is sometimes the hardest, too.
Are you familiar with the poem, Rainbow Bridge?
Thank you, Lisa. It is so hard.
Yes, I know the Rainbow Bridge. I do find comfort in that.
Susan, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s obvious that you and Chelsie had a really beautiful friendship.
thanks. Yes, we did. She was a special girl.
So sorry, Susan. Saying goodbye to our four-legged friends can be tough.
it sure as heck is. thank you.
random commenter
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dog recently too, and it is a friendship void that will never entirely be filled again…but you just gotta remember you have the wonderful memories :0)
Re: random commenter
Thank you. I’m sorry you had to say goodbye to a friend too! I’m so happy for the time I had with her.
Trying to compose myself to write a comment, but I’m crying too much. Beautiful entry.
Thank you for feeling with me.
Oh, that was beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry.
Thank you for hurting with me.
So sorry, Susan!!
Thanks, Jen.
I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and Chelsie had a very loving friendship.
We did. She was such a special girl. Thank you.
She sounds like a good and true friend.
She was one of the best.
I’m so sorry for your loss Susan! I know the pain you are going through.
Such a beautiful tribute to a wonderful dog! It’s never easy to say goodbye to a family member, especially one that has seen you through the tough times, the way Chelsie did.
You were was blessed to have each other. (((HUGS))))
Thanks so much for sharing with me….it is hard to say goodbye to good friends like her but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
So sorry Susan…
From my wife and I and our fuzzy kids Winston & Jennings, our thoughts and hearts are with you, your husband & Chelsie.
Fred
Thanks, Fred. Give Winston and Jennings a hug from me, will ya?
I just saw this! I’m so very sorry. My heart goes out to you and to your husband at the loss of your dear friend. My sincere condolences!
Thank you. I know you know this pain.
I will miss my friend but we are already looking for another dog. The house is too empty without her.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that Chelsie will cross the Rainbow Bridge, find Benjamin, and enjoy their time together once again.
May her many wonderful memories bring you peace.
Oh what a perfect icon!
Yes, I think they are romping happily together again.
*hugs*
Thank you.
Beautiful icon!
Susan, I’m so sorry to hear that you lost such a good friend. Hugs to you.
Thank you. I was lucky to have her.
Oh, Susan
It is so sad to lose a friend like Chelsie. Hugs to you and all who loved her….
Re: Oh, Susan
Thank you.
Oh, Susan, I’m so sorry. No wonder things have been so hard lately. I’ve gone through this so many times in my life, both with my own pets and with the animals of clients at my parents’ veterinary clinic. It never, never gets any easier.
The thing I hang onto, which may or may not help you at all, is that I truly believe this is a gift we can give our pets. To me, it’s part of the love and responsibility I take on when I choose to bring an animal into my home.
Hang in there. Hugs and warm thoughts coming your way.
thanks for understanding, Becky. It was just one more thing, you know?
But yes, it is part of the emotional contract we make when we choose an animal.
and we are already looking for a new forever friend.
Beautiful post, Susan. So sorry to hear this.
thank you.
I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to lose a pet that you love so much. So very sorry.
Thank you. It’s a hard pain that we need to accept in order to have our friends.
Good-bye, Chelsie, and thanks for all you gave Susan.
And for Susan now: Hugs.
Thank you, Jenn.
It was a good and true friendship and I couldn’t have asked for any more.
Oh, (((Susan)))
I’m so sorry. What an outpouring of love here for you and Chelsie.
You both needed each other at the same time, and that connection is so strong. All my love and thoughts to both of you.
It’s been amazing, as you said, the outpouring of love. I feel doubly blessed.
Thank you for your kind words.
Susan, I’m so sorry about Chelsie, and that it was on your birthday, too. Wonderful that you were with her at the end, making it as painless as possible for her. A loving companion to the end. Hugs to you (and to Chelsie, wherever she is).
It was so hard to say goodbye on my birthday but I would have felt like a bad doggy mom to make her wait any longer.
thank you.
I hope your family is enjoying your new dog.
Your post made me cry, and smile, and remember our own Suzy, who died two years ago but we still swear we feel following us through the house. A friend told us that when we saw rabbits, we would know she sent them (Suzy was a rabbit-loving hound). And wouldn’t you know, when we moved to Maryland, there were three rabbits in our backyard. And when we bought a new house here… a rabbit was in the backyard. Somehow I believe our pets’ spirit and love stays with us, even though their physical departure leaves a big hole.
A big hug and a listening ear. I am so sorry.
oh I so love the image of the rabbits Suzy sends you. Thank you for sharing that with me.
For years I was sure that Chelsie was actually my old horse, Sheikh, who was more like a dog. It just seemed so many times that she would do the same things he would do.
It is hard to say goodbye to such good friends but I also know that I wouldn’t have missed a minute with her.
And we are looking forward to finding a new dog or two to help fill the hole.
Oh, Susan. Hugs.
Thanks, Kelly.
Thanks T. Yes, I bet she is rolling in mud puddles already.
Oh, Susan.
I am so sorry.
I’m also grateful you had Chelsie in your life when you needed her most.
Me too! She was just what I needed even when I didn’t know I needed it.
I am so, so sorry about Chelsie, Susan. (((HUGE HUGS))) Hang in there, hon. You were a good mommy to Chelsie right up to the end.
Thank you. I tried. She was a good friend.
Susan, somehow I missed this when you posted. I am now a puddle of sadness for you.
I am so glad you had each other all those years.
Take good care and sending you lots and lots of hugs.
Thank you, Lisa. I was a big puddle of sad knowing it was coming. It was almost a relief to see her no longer feeling so miserable. I’m grateful for every minute I had with her.