I know that times change and while some things stay the same, children and their reactions to the world around them, often do not. In my childhood divorce was a dirty word. One friend was afraid to tell me her parents were getting divorced because she thought I might not want to be her friend anymore. Sounds trivial nowadays yet back then it was a very real concern. But youth today have grown up too fast (or had to grow up too fast) and I’ve even heard some kids act embarrassed because their parents were still married when all their friends came from broken homes.
Which makes me wonder, what kinds of things about their family would a 5th/6th grader today want to be kept a secret today? I know that in a book a case can be made for almost anything to work but I am thinking on a broader scale, youth at large.
Does it matter if they have a parent can’t read or write? What if someone from the family is in jail? Does the type of crime matter? Are they embarrassed about where they live? Does a parent’s job carry the power to embarrass?
And then, do these answers change based on the child’s socio-economic class?
I think having parents who have same-sex partners is still considered embarassing by many kids. Low income is still an issue. I’ve seen kids feel uncomfortable about having parents who don’t speak English, too (especially here, an hour from the Mexican border). Not reading or writing, at a guess, is less likely to come up–because unlike speaking, you can hide your reading and writing skills in many day to day interactions.
Wearing the wrong clothes, of course. That can always embarrass. But what the wrong clothes are will almost surely change between now and the time of publication of anything any of us might write. 🙂
Good one…I had forgotten about same-sex partners, though I suppose, like much of this things, it depends on where you live. More commong around here in the Bay Area than perhaps in midwest.
I’m loving these answers. So much to think about.
Really interesting question – I think it’s still that most kids are embarrassed by being different. So being particularly smart or not feeling particularly smart can both be embarrassing. If they don’t have the right clothes…
I teach a population of urban kids, and having a parent or relative in jail isn’t a big deal. Listening to anything but rap or hip-hop can be, depending on how you act about it.
Most of my kids are Christian or Muslim, so being from a different religion or not having a religion could be very embarrassing, which is different from another class of Northerners who would look at going to church every weekend as something weird.
It’s tough to generalize because so much depends on the majority culture.
I’ll second this. Kids from about 5th grade on through high school, in fact, seem the most embarrassed at being viewed by their peers as different in any way, regardless of what that way might be.
Now I went out of my way to be different, especially once I was in high school, because I loathed the majority culture of my school. But I was a weird duck anyway. 🙂
Yes, I agree, no matter what the neighborhood or class structure, it is bad if you are different from your peers. I found that when I worked with inner city at-risk kids they talked very freely about who was in jail. It took me a while to get used to it. I remember thinking how interesting that they were so at ease with that but could so easily fall apart when someone made fun of them.
Not having a religion, that could be an interesting character in a book.
Thanks.
The short answer: everything. 😉
Kids are very embarrassed about their parents – if they have an unusual job, if they have a job that isn’t highly regarded, if they wear funny clothes, if they have an accent, if they don’t have a lot of money, if they try to act cool, if they Just Don’t Get It. They’re embarrassed about things like having to get glasses or braces, or not having the right clothes/toys/phone/cable channels etc.
You can, indeed, make a case for pretty much anything. 🙂
oh…accents. I forgot about that.
I think a lot does depend on where you are.
Here recent embarrassing items in Em’s (pretty white, pretty Christian, relatively middle class to rural poor) sixth-grade rural Maine classroom are:
1. Taking ‘chill pills.’
2. Not having boobies.
3. Having boobies.
4. Liking Lyle Stephenson.
5. Having your mother say, “super duper.”
6. Tucking your skirt into your underwear.
7. Your dad screaming at you at the grocery store.
8. Your mom cornering you at the Y swim team locker room in front of everyone because your progress report was not stellar.
9. Your mom working at Wendy’s.
10. Your mom passing out on the lawn in front of your house.
11. Not knowing the right answer when Mr. Stackpole asks you a question.
Disclaimer. These are not Em’s embarrassing items! And I am not any of the mothers mentioned above.
Divorce is occasionally a big deal for certain kids, because they worry it puts them at risk for being a bad kid. Really. I’ve heard a fourth grader say this. He said, “I’m at risk.”
In a different light, it might be interest to turn this around and ask what are kids proud of? About themselves? About their parents?
Great list! #9, oh dear. And #11, boy that brought memories.
And a good question in return. I’ll post this at the top on its own so it is seen. Thanks.
I write for a magazine for 8-12 year old girls, and I feel like over the past 3 years I’ve gotten a good handle on what embarrasses lower-middle, middle-middle, and upper-middle class kids, at least. Of the things you mentioned,the most embarrassing would be a parent who was in jail. Kids have written to us asking what they can say to people who ask where Mom or Dad is because they are mortified, in addition to lonely, confused, etc., about it. No matter what the crime this would be truly humiliating for a chlid. A parent who can’t read or write would also be hugely embarrassing, because even 1st graders can read. Kids are often blind to a parents’ job (it’s “boring” and distant) but there are still jobs that are embarrassing, like having your mom be the make up lady who spritzes people at Walgreens, or having your Dad be the assistant janitor at your middle school. <-- in fact tht one is a cliched plot point. [However, if, say, their father is a shark lawyer who helps disabuse poor people of their homes, all the child will know is that Dad wears a suit, drives a nice car, works hard, and isn't home much. All in all, not much to be embarrassed about!] I do think everything here is dependent on some level of middle class or upper class status/affiliation and I am not knowledgable enough on working class, inner city kids or to know what embarrasses them. The general rule is that anything the child percieves as different from his peers is embarrassing. So if the house is palatial, messy, spotless, dinky, on the hill, not on the hill, that could be a problem for a kid. So yeah, as someone else said, "in short, everything!" :-)
Thanks for this great input. And you’re right, of course, the shark lawyer is just a guy who wears a nice suit and drives a great car. Sigh.
I do think that for most neighborhoods, a parent in jail is really bad. In your typical white middle class neighborhood it would be horrible. But in the lower income inner city areas, I think it is all too common.
I do wonder how a child from the white middle class neighborhood who had a parent in jail and was motified about it all would handle moving to a lower income inner city area where suddenly having a parent in jail is almost a badge of courage.
Thanks again for all the good stuff to think about.
I think everyone here has great ideas. I’d add:
liking the “wrong” type of music,
being forced to play an uncool instrument in band,
parents who can’t read/write/spell or even speak our language would be big here,
having braces/not having braces when everyone else does,
having going to the movies with your parents on a weekend
not being able to roam the city when everyone else has more freedom than you
having a cute boy walk past as your mom is buying tampons/toilet paper/underwear/bras
having a stay-at-home mom when everyone else’s mom works (or the opposite–a working mom when the norm is for moms to stay at home)
a parent who is a sloppy drunk
Music. Oh yes…how dare you listen to country when the rest of us are listening to heavy metal or Christian. Big taboo.
And a sloppy drunk….are you reading over my shoulder? 🙂
This is an amazing list. There must be hundreds of possibilities on this one page!
Nope. Not reading over your shoulder. I just know these things.
Yeah, I think I’ll need to put it together in a neat long list.
And you know lots of things!
Let me preface this by saying that it is extremely dependent on socio-economic class and, in some cases, race. I’ll explain the last part first — On 20/20 or Primetime Live last week, they had the guys from Freakonomics on, plus some other topics. One was about a study done with African American youth, many of whom are embarrassed about being good students. It’s considered “acting white” to care about grades, and many straight-A students pretend they aren’t to avoid being tormented. Others deliberately under-achieve.
Many if not most kids are generally embarrassed if the police have been to their house for any reason, and I’m pretty sure they’d be embarrassed to have a parent who’d been arrested, let alone put in jail for any reason. This probably applies to lots of the working poor families as well, depending on their precise location,etc. I’m sure there are exceptions to that, but probably not much.
Kids are also embarrassed to be poor. Doubly so to be homeless, according to a recent Oprah episode.
Ah, another good point about race. And yes, “acting white” and pretending to be dumber than you are. I hate to admit it but even I did that back in school. Sigh.
Poor and homeless. Not good. Thanks Kelly.
Although the details of how it happens are different–and if you’re kind of tracked to honor classes you can sidestep some of it–I think being too smart as a white kid can cause embarrassment, too.
Yeah, funny how that has changed to. Back when I was in elementary school GATE was just getting going. It had a different name. It was NOT good to be going to the smart kid class after school. They didn’t have “special tracks” back then. Everyone knew and it wasn’t a lot of fun, especially in the younger years.
Sixth graders at my school were bothered most by being short and being called a baby or cute. They hate being smallest in the school. Secondly they are teased about clothes, as they are often just getting into what is acceptable or not.
Seventh graders talk alot about being too smart or too dumb. Both are just as bad. Again, clothes are a big, big issue.
Eighth grade thinks more about sex. Being called gay or sweet is the worst blow. Once I mentioned something about transgendered folk to a group of girls and they turned scarlet, though they said they’d probably pretend it didn’t bother them. They are too cool to show something bothers them. They are also embarrassed talking to boys and will often send notes, although when they are at a dance, the dances get very close and sexy. I think this paradox is interesting. They find it embarrassing to be paired up with the opposite sex and not have chosen it. It’s always embarrassing to have people talk about you. And though they have to do it all the time, it is embarrassing to get up in front of the class because they don’t want to appear dumb.
Oh yes, size matters. Too short or being fat. Both bad news. And the sex stuff, so true. Thanks, Diane.
Parent was fired
Parent goes to AA meetings
Parent has a life-partner (depending on area–’cause some kids and schools don’t care one way or the other)
Parent cheats on other parent (where kid knows but not necessarily other parent)
Parent doesn’t take care of him/herself–real slobby, maybe has greasy hair, a smell–and shows up at school or around friends
ooh, the AA meetings I was thinking about because I was thinking about a drunk but I hadn’t thought about someone who didn’t take care of themself….that could be bad. Thanks.
But even if the parent isn’t drinking anymore, it’s embarrassing if anyone finds out that parent is going to AA meetings–it says something was/is wrong with that parent–that they’re weak. Even though in reality, going to meetings and staying dry proves how STRONG that parent is. It can become twisted in the eyes of kids.
Where I teach, kids sometimes get picked on for having good grades, for doing their homework, and because the teacher likes them. I’m not sure if they are embarrassed by those things or just afraid of being picked on…
My own kids just didn’t want to be different and were usually embarrassed by our clothing.
Teacher’s pet…that could be bad. Thanks!
I teach at a school that has a wide mixture of custures and family styles. Embarrassment can depend on culture and custom, of course, but the biggies seem to be having parents who come around a lot and treat the child like a baby who needs to be protected–like if the child is only permitted to see G movies and everyone else can see PG 13. (And most of these kids learn to lie to their parents.) Kids who are not allowed to see TV but everyone else talks about shows. Anything speaking of overprotection, in other words the kid sees him or herself as being treated like a baby when everyone else gets to try to be cool and grown up.
Next come secrets–if you like someone and they don’t like you back and there’s gossip, or if you were seen with a member of the opposite sex at the mall and you come to school and everyone is “Oooooh!” about it.
Braces, mixed race, blended families, same sex partners, singe moms, even jail, don’t seem to bother these kids overall. (It does hurt, though, if someone’s mom won’t let their kid associate with another kid because of something they don’t like about the second kid’s family.)
I hadn’t thought much about the movies but that’s a good point….sort of like the clothes.
And not being allowed to associate with another kid because of something they don’t like. That’s got a lot of potential on several levels. Thanks.
Great list of ideas Susan, but two things came immediately to mind The first was abuse. Whether it was physical or sexual, wouldn’t matter as much as being found out.
And the second would have to do with being perceived as being different, especially if they were considered to be handicapped in some way such as being mentally slower than their classmates or on crutches, in a wheelchair etc