Now, on to Chapter 33 and the discussion of line breaks. I was so glad to see this chapter because line breaks is one of the things I most struggle with in my poems. I felt a bit better when she said she thought ten poet laureates would break a poem in ten different ways. But of course, being a rule follower, I wanted to know the RIGHT way to do it. But I think the message here is there is no right or wrong way, there is only the way of the individual poet based on what they want the reader to feel, to take away, as they read the poem. Some line breaks will be a leisurely stroll and some will feel like you’re on a runaway train.
The line breaks that confuse me most of all are the ones that break mid-idea and leave me hanging. I keep studying the poem to see if I can discover the answer to why it breaks a certain way but usually I can’t. This is part of what makes me feel dumb about poetry because I want to understand that which often can’t be understood but only felt. I like the idea she gives that you want to end the line on the word you want the reader to linger on a bit longer.
I think line breaks will always be hard for me until I learn to trust myself as a poet.
I chose the first exercise she listed. She took the poem Lake and Maple by Jane Hirshfield and wrote it in paragraph form and then suggested that we try putting in the line breaks. I haven’t read that poem before so it is all new to me. I’ll go looking for a copy after I play with my own line breaks with it (in the comments.)
First, here is the excerpt of the poem, Lake and Maple by Jane Hirshfield.
I want to give myself utterly as this maple
that burned and burned for three days
without stinting and then in two more
dropped off every leaf; as this lake that,
no matter what comes to its green-blue
depths, both takes and returns it. In the
still heart that refuses nothing, the world
is twice-born — two earths wheeling,
two heavens, two egrets reaching down into
subtraction; even the fish for an instant
doubled, before it is gone.
And here is my attempt at breaking the lines.
I want to give myself
utterly
as this maple that burned and burned
for three days without stinting
and then in two more
dropped off every leaf; as this lake that, no matter what comes
to its green-blue depths, both takes and returns it.
In the still heart
that refuses nothing,
the world
is twice-born —
two earths wheeling,
two heavens,
two egrets reaching
down into subtraction;
even the fish for an instant
doubled,
before it is gone.
I like your line breaks, Susan. It gives the poem a very conversation, natural language feel. I like how utterly and doubled, two of the most striking words in the poem, each have their own line–nice!
Thanks, Laura. It’s really fascinating to see how many variations we can get with line breaks and how many different feelings arise as a result. (Went to bed thinking I had responded to everything here last night…obviously not.)
Okay, I decided to play around with some other line breaks of my own. This is from a poem I posted a few days ago for National Poetry Month.
As Posted then with different line breaks after that.
Poem a Day #16
I find it hard to take things
on faith alone.
I want proof that slowing down
being in the moment
is worth the investment of my time.
Today I follow the dog
down the garden path that ends
near the glider
where she sniffs the sage.
One ceanothus, still in bloom,
calls dozens and dozens of
bees to dance between
the blue blossoms.
Fat bumblebees
fuzzy carpenter bees
industrious honey bees
and bees that look like flies.
I stand still
let bees buzz all around me
and listen to the concert
I almost missed.
© 2011 Susan Taylor Brown. All rights reserved.
With different line breaks
Poem a Day #16
I find it hard
to take things on faith alone.
I want proof
that slowing down
being in the moment
is worth the investment
of my time.
Today
I follow the dog
down the garden path
that ends near the glider
where she sniffs the sage.
One ceanothus, still in bloom,
calls dozens and dozens
of bees to dance
between the blue blossoms.
Fat bumblebees
fuzzy carpenter bees
industrious honey bees
and bees that look like flies.
I stand still
let bees buzz
all around me
and listen
to the concert
I almost missed.
© 2011 Susan Taylor Brown. All rights reserved.
I’m not sure but I think I still like the first version best. The truth might be in a combo of them both.
Susan, I liked the beginning in the second poem better, and the ending of the first better. The short lines at the end of the second speed me too fast to the end.
Cindyb
Lovely poem, Susan! I like the revision better. The line breaks there, to me, give this poem a more measured approach, a forced slowing down. So for me, that so wonderfully echoes the theme of your poem–it feels like a perfect fit.
Thanks, Laura. I find that the more I mess with line breaks, the more I feel like I am breaking the poem in too many places and losing what I want to say. This is really one of my toughest areas to work on because I know the breaks rarely come out right the first time but the more I move them, the more I doubt myself.
Cindy, interesting thought about the short lines speeding too fast though it can be that it is like a “buzz buzz” of a bee. I might play with different words, longer words but still short lines. What an exercise. How to decide that a poem is ever done?
Ah, Susan…see my answer to ellie below–in particular, the last line ;>)
I agree. I keep messing and messing with lines and eventually begin to feel like it’s just a random decision sometimes. Or that there are just too many possibilities. Like a Chinese restaurant menu that leaves me with no idea what I really want.
I agree–rules would be nice sometimes! But there would go the flexibility and magic of poetry.
For some more thoughts on line breaks, you can check out a column I wrote on the topic several years back:
http://www.laurasalas.com/poetry/poetic%20pursuits/0704line.html
I love Sage’s thoughts about the shape of the poem. I tend to concentrate more on meaning/content when I think of line breaks. Her examples are great about the mood formed by different line lengths.
I’m going to go do the exercise without looking at yours, Susan. It will be fun to compare!
Thanks for pointing us to your great article, Laura.
I don’t tend to think about shape in a poem but that’s probably something I ought to consider. 🙂
I need to find the book that talked a lot about the weight of words, like you did in your article. Shoot. This is why we need this discussion, so we can come back and find things when our minds can’t call them up anymore.
Excellent article, Laura. I especially like the thoughts about words having weight.
Lake and Maple — Laura’s Line Breaks 1
I want to give
myself utterly as this maple
that burned
and burned
for three days without
stinting and then in two more
dropped off every leaf;
as this lake that, no matter
what comes to its green-blue depths,
both takes and returns it.
In the still heart, that refuses
nothing,
the world is
twice-born–
two earths wheeling,
two heavens,
two egrets reaching down
into subtraction;
even the fish for an instant
is doubled,
before it is gone.
This is hard because I also want to play with indenting, which I can’t do here in the comments, right? Oh well. Still fun!
Lake and Maple – Laura’s Line Breaks 2
I want to give myself utterly as this maple
that burned and burned for three days without
stinting and then in two more dropped
off every leaf;
as this lake that, no matter what comes
to its green-blue depths,
both takes
and returns it.
In the still heart, that refuses nothing,
the world is twice-born–
two
earths wheeling,
two
heavens,
two
egrets reaching down into subtraction;
even the fish for an instant is doubled,
before it is gone.
In this one, I played with all couplets, trying to emphasize the twice theme of this excerpt. I also left more thoughts complete in their lines. This works with the natural pauses readers take, I think, though it might lose some of its forward momentum because it’s not a cliffhanger line ending.
I’m going to come back later today to look at both of my versions with a fresh eye and see which I think works better. Can’t wait to see what everyone else comes up with here!
Re: Lake and Maple – Laura’s Line Breaks 2
I don’t think enough in couplets (again, something for me to look more into) so I am more drawn to your first set of line breaks.
A really fun exercise.
Re: Lake and Maple – Laura’s Line Breaks 2
Interesting. I like the idea of couplets because it does seem to complement the idea of two’s in the poem. But I like the first version best. The couplets at the beginning of the second version feel distracting to me, but the ones you used at the end of the first version feel perfect.
I’m no poet, but I enjoy reading about the special challenges you address. Can you see any parallels between line breaks for poetry and transitions for prose?
That’s a great question, Melodye! I can definnitely see parallels in picture books, of course, since page breaks there are basically like line breaks in poems.
I would bet people who are really word artists could see and talk about parallels in longer works too. When I attempt to write longer, I’m all about story and I’m afraid my “language side” (all except the part I’m not even aware of) goes on vacation.
I’d love to hear what novelists think about this…
Love this question, Melodye but not sure I have an answer. I don’t think about line breaks when I am writing prose but I do find that I think more poetically.
I wonder if one could attribute line breaks to paragraphs? I do tend, with prose, to break into paragraphs specifically because of the ending I want or the beginning I want in the next one.
I recently revised a novel and one of the things I noticed in revision was my tendency to feel like I needed specific time place transitions. (This could have been because I set myself such a specific time period of three weeks for the action to occur.) But still I felt a stiffness in that need, if that makes sense. So often novelists move from on scene/one time segment to another without any transition. Just moving on. Then in poetry, especially adult poetry there is so often a seeming jump from one idea/image to the next without any transition and often without any seeming connection. I’m sure it’s there in the poet’s mind, but it’s not always apparent to the reader. It’s a concept I struggle with in both forms.
Buy Backlinks
Great Community here. Keep up the good work people. [url=http://www.buybacklinkservices.com]Backlinks[/url]
I’m glad I did the exercise before I read either of yours, because I saw lines I liked better in both.
I want
to give myself utterly
as this maple that burned and burned
for three days without stinting
and then in two more
dropped every leaf;
as this lake that,
no matter what comes
to its blue-green depths,
both takes
and returns it.
In the still heart that refuses nothing,
the world is twice-born-
two earths wheeling, two heavens,
two egrets reaching down
into subtraction;
even the fish for an instant
doubled,
before it is gone.
Cindyb
Cindyb, I LOVE your line break on the very first line. What a powerful way to start a poem! I also liked no matter what comes having its own line (and it echoed “Let evening come,” one of my favorites). I think you did lots of very nice stuff to this poem!
Cindyb – I ALWAYS see things I like better in what the other people do. It’s the nature of our creative spirits, I do believe. 🙂
I have to agree with Laura that your opening break is beautiful and it tempted me to want to rewrite some of the poem so I could echo that.
I like
both takes
and returns it.
because it feels like an echo and I like
doubled,
before it is gone.
because I catch my breath with “doubled” and then feel it all melt away with the last line. Well done!
Oh, very nice, Cyndy. I really like what you did here.
Line breaks have always seemed mysterious to me, and this was great food for thought!
They are mysterious, aren’t they? Like everything about poetry, the lack of right and wrong is both wonderful and torturous!
I agree with line breaks being mysterious. And I confess to not being able to explain myself very well with my verse novel when I was asked why I was breaking a certain poem in a certain way. Obviously I need to look behind my own mysterious curtain once in a while. 🙂
Love that. I think at some point (many points?) we’re all kind of the man behind the curtain pretending/hoping to be the Great and Powerful Oz when it comes to poetry.
I tried creating my line breaks before reading others’ comments, attempting to break on strong words and have a balanced look to the poem. Hmmm. Mine is very different than those above, and the authors.
I want to give myself utterly
as this maple that burned
and burned for three days
without stinting and then in two more
dropped off every leaf; as this lake
that, no matter what comes
to its green-blue depths,
both takes and returns it. In the still
heart that refuses nothing, the world
is twice-born — two earths wheeling,
two heavens, two egrets
reaching down into subtraction;
even the fish for an instant
doubled, before it is gone.
It was interesting to see what everyone did with this poem, and what Susan did with her personal poem. Laura, your linked post was extremely useful.
I had hoped to find some hard and fast rules to follow, but personal preference seems to play a major role in deciding where to break lines. This does not boost my confidence, but it is useful to know.
ellie
You know what I like about your breaks, ellie? They give the poem a more forceful, forward momentum feeling than, say, my version! And because it is a blocky look and a forceful sound, that ending is abrupt and almost an epiphany. Suddenly the poem, like the fish and everything else in the world, is gone. It’s a pretty neat effect, actually.
Yeah, no right and wrong. Line breaks do change a poem, definitely. I always try to think (when I think about line breaks and it’s not a rhyming poem) about how I want the reader to say the poem. Where do I want her to pause or spill forward? And I try to arrange the breaks to nudge the reader in that direction.
But lots of times, it’s really just a crap shoot:>)
Ellie, I think Laura nailed it with your poem. I got an image of an angry person shaking her fist at the world trying to get them to understand that it was gone, everything was gone. A lot of emotion conveyed just with the line breaks. This amazes me.
I hear you on not getting much of a confidence boost. Sigh. I think though, that one thing I am getting most from this journey with this book is that I need to learn to trust myself more…to trust my ear that is telling my own story.
I wrote my variations on the poem before reading any of the comments. Then, forced myself to post them before I read, too. So here are my experiments.
Version 1
I want to give
myself
utterly
as this maple that burned
and burned for three days
without stinting
and then in two more
dropped off every leaf;
as this lake
that, no matter what comes
to its green-blue depths
both takes and returns it.
In the still heart, that refuses
nothing, the world
is twice-born–
two earths wheeling,
two heavens,
two egrets reaching
down into subraction;
even the fish for an instant,
doubled,
before it is gone.
Version 2
I want to give myself utterly
as this maple that burned and burned
for three days without stinting
and then in two more dropped off every leaf;
as this lake that, no matter what comes
to its blue-green depths, both takes
and returns it. In the still heart,
that refuses nothing,
the world is twice-born–
two earths wheeling, two heavens, two egrets
reaching down into subtraction;
even the fish for an instant doubled,
before it is gone.
Okay. Now I’ll go back and read posts and try to comment before the weekend is over.
And I just want to say thanks for letting me hang with you guys. I’ve really enjoyed this.
Dori, love having you join us on this poetic journey. I like both of your examples though I think I’m drawn more to the first one. One thing I’m learning about myself is that I tend to like lots of line breaks. 🙂
I found it interesting that I didn’t even consider adding stanzas to the poem, but so many other folks did. And I think the addition of stanzas made each poem even more distinctly different.
It is very freeing to play around with line breaks! I love messing around with punctuation, too. I saw a quote today that I wanted to turn into a poem, which is really just an exercise in line breaks.
I have a possible question for Sage…I read somewhere that posting a poem on your site does not count as publishing it, so you can still submit it places as “unpublished.” Does that match what you have run across? Does it matter if it’s been posted on other sites? Just wondering “where the line is.”
Thanks 🙂
Tabatha
Tabatha, Glad you have fun with line breaks. I think it’s a great idea/exercise to take a quote and turn it into a poem!
Thanks for the question for Sage. I’ll add it to the list. IMHO, I think that line about what is published or not, when posted, varies a lot. 🙂